The 72 Japanese Microseasons of my Discontent - Part 1 : 立春 Risshun (Beginning of spring)

February 4–8東風解凍 Harukaze kōri o toku - East wind melts the ice

February 9–13黄鶯睍睆 Kōō kenkan su - Bush warblers start singing in the mountains

February 14–18魚上氷 Uo kōri o izuru - Fish emerge from the ice

So, this is how it went. Mina and I were out and about, minding our business, walking south along the Horikawa Canal Promenade near the entrance to the Shirotori Gardens. We were pretty close to the spot where the predatory homosexual that had stalked me on my morning run last June had blocked my way and started shouting, "You!! Leave Japan!!", garnering a lot of stares and unwanted attention.

It must have been a fair weather Sunday or long weekend Monday - on one of those alternate weekends that we don't have to mind okasan over at our place. It was sunny; but still cool - consistent with weather typical of early March.

It was a pleasant and bucolic afternoon.

Quite suddenly, there was a lot of shouting, and a Japanese cop, wearing a gauze mask, one of those ridiculous, over- sized white helmets, and a dark navy blue uniform and vest ensemble with AICHI POLICE emblazoned in white block letters across his back appeared seemingly out of nowhere. His attention appeared to be fixed on me. He was gesticulating wildly, and shouting...perhaps motioning for Mina to step away...or maybe for me to put my hands behind my head and get down? What the hell was all of this?

Shock and panic.

I turned to Mina and all the colour had drained from her face.

"What's going on?!? What did I do?!?"

"Be cool. We did nothing. I have no idea what's going on. Maybe they have you confused with someone else..."

"You!! Shut up!! Get out of the away!!"

She shouted to the cop (in Japanese),

"What's going on?!? What did we do?!?"

She sounded surprisingly cool and collected given what appeared to be a rapidly escalating situation. I was starting to freak out.

The cop edged closer, brandishing one of those extendable black metal batons. He was shouting more hysterically - perhaps antagonized or threatened by the fact that she had spoken English to me. His tone was frightening. Apparently there was something very serious afoot.

"Move away from the foreigner!! Now!!"

"He's my husband! What's going on?!? What did he do?!?"

Suddenly it became apparent that there were more cops...maybe seven or eight of them - and that they were forming a broad perimeter. There also appeared to be three patrol cars and a van with caged windows stopped along the curb, adjacent to the gardens. Had they been following us?

"Move!! Now!!"

She backed away, protesting in Japanese. For the first time I could sense that she was scared. This is unusual. Mina is basically unflappable. This threw me even more. I had to be cool. Breathe. Not show any sign of panic, or move suddenly and give them an excuse.

He turned his attention toward me, shouting something incomprehensible in Japanese, and motioning that I raise my arms and put my hands behind my head.

"Shaun kun! He said to put your hands behind your head and don't move!"

He turned to Mina, visibly agitated,

"Shut up!! No English!!"

I complied. My heart was pounding in my chest. I had to piss.

I desperately looked over to Mina, but two cops had approached her, and were deliberately blocking our ability to see each other clearly.

The main cop in the big white helmet started shouting in Japanese again.

"Freeze!! Don't look at her!! Look straight ahead!!"

I stood transfixed, looking straight ahead. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see three of the cops starting to move in to my blind spot. It seemed that their plan was to gradually edge up on me.

The promenade path and park suddenly seemed oddly devoid of people. Five minutes ago, there had been cyclists, kids running and playing, and people walking their dogs. Where on earth had they all gone?

No witnesses.

The cop ordered me to walk slowly toward the road adjacent to the gardens, where their vehicles were idling. On the pavement, just off the curb, I could see this strange contraption. It was like the front end of an over-sized slipper, but made from black metal. It had an odd, red LED light on its front upper. It wasn't blinking or anything. It appeared to indicate that whatever this odd looking thing was, it was 'on'.

We were seven or eight metres away from Mina, who had been led over to the west landing of the footbridge that crosses over to the east bank of the canal. The two cops with her were doing their best to block us from being able to see each other or otherwise communicate.

I stood absolutely still.

The main cop started yelling in Japanese again,

"Move forward!! Go to the device, and slowly slide your right foot in!!"

What the actual fuck? In almost thirty years, I'd never seen or heard of anything even remotely like this happening to anyone. I stood frozen. For foreigners dealing with cops over here, it's crucial that you never let on that you know any Japanese at all. Even if you understand everything they're saying perfectly, it's important that you play dumb. Once they have some idea that you possess even rudimentary Japanese skills, they'll use the language to trip you up. It's almost as if being a foreigner and speaking Japanese is seen as some sort of provocation in itself.

After all...how dare we?

Mina yelled what he had said back to me in English. I was surprised that she could see what was going on at that distance, particularly since the two cops were doing their level best to block and distract her. They immediately started yelling,

"Don't look at him!!"

"No English!! No English!!"

I started walking forward very slowly, hands clasped behind my head, acutely aware that all the cops on the perimeter were intently focussed on every move that I was making. Best not to do anything suddenly and give anyone a reason to do anything rash...like shoot me. It was hard to judge whether or not they had their guns out, as I couldn't turn my head...but best not to take any chances. I approached the black slipper looking thing with the red LED.

What the fuck was this thing?

"Your right foot! Slide it in!"

"Do it!! Now!!"

I stood absolutely still.

Mina yelled back,

"He wants you to do it now!"

In the meantime, the cops that I could peripherally see on the perimeter looked ready to close in if I didn't comply. From what I could half see, they appeared dressed identically, all wearing those undersized wartime-era dark navy blue back-laced caps, with sliver National Police Agency emblems on the front. The only one in a ridiculous over-sized white helmet was the lead cop that had been barking the orders at me.

Why were there so many of them? What did they think I'd done? It struck how fast they had all appeared, seemingly out of nowhere. One minute we were enjoying a nice walk up the canal side...the next, we were being set on by a whole contingent of militarized cops, as if I were some kind of serial killer or terrorist suspect. You'd think that I'd been snitched out for having weed or something.

Fuck me. This was terrifying. They must have me confused with someone else. I was trying not to panic. Breathe. Count to seven. Breathe. Be cool. Go to a meditative place. Whenever I start to panic and feel like I'm going to totally lose my shit, my internal iPod Shuffle suddenly starts playing that dreamy old Beach Boys song, "In My Room" on an endless loop. I disappear into that tune. It insulates me from everything. I'm longer where I am. I'm somewhere else. In my room, as it were.

I stood in front of the device. It looked heavy. Like the front of one of those robot Gundam feet from Japanese television anime...but like a slipper. I'd never seen anything like it.

"Your right foot!! Slide it in!! Now!!"

The cops forming the perimeter all seemed to crouch slightly, like they were waiting for something to happen.

"Shaun kun!! He said to put your right foot in!"

I slid my sneakered foot into the black device, and it clamped snuggly. The black LED on top started flashing on and off

like crazy.

Suddenly, there was this deafening sound. A sort of broad 'crack!!' that sent a blunt shockwave through my entire body. It might be the loudest noise that I'd ever heard. Or felt.

It's funny how real gunshots and explosions don't sound at all like they do in movies or on TV shows. In reality they sound flat and hard. Like a cross between a fire cracker going off, and something worse. There appeared to be white smoke or vapour around me. It felt like my ear drums had popped...I could only make out faint muffled sounds.

I desperately tried to focus. What the fuck was going on? I looked down to see that my right leg was completely gone...but somehow, I was still standing upright.

Panic!

There was no blood or carnage that I could see. Nothing on the pavement. Just this vague white vapour everywhere.

Why was there no pain? Where was Mina? My heart was racing.

The high pitched repetitive pinched beeping sound of my alarm clock sounded. I opened my eyes, sat up in the mid-January pre-dawn cold, and moved the comforter over Mina, who had managed to throw it off during the night.

Five am.

Right leg intact and accounted for. My shirt was damp, as if I'd had a good sweat.

Most dreams - even pretty vivid ones - kind of evaporate ten or fifteen minutes after you wake up. This one didn't.

I recounted it to Mina over breakfast. She couldn't figure out how to interpret it.

It still bothers me.

Winter 2021-22.

Yesterday (February 4th) was Setsubun. The last day of winter according to the old Chinese lunar calendar. This is the day that the natives eat elaborate maki sushi rolls, while facing in whichever direction is deemed auspicious - so as to promote good luck in the 'new year'. This year, it's apparently east-northeast. They also chuck beans...either loose dried soy beans, or small vinyl packets thereof at 'oni', or devils - to ward off misfortune. In the countryside, locals dressed up as these oni make visits to homes where small children live - generally scaring the shit out of them and making them cry hysterically. I guess they figure that this is a good experience for the kids; but I've never actually been able to figure out how traumatizing a toddler can have any long term benefits.

Today is Risshun...the first day of spring - according to the old Chinese lunar calendar. In a new year thus far rife with nothing but bad news, the idea that winter has packed its bags and taken its shingle down is at least somewhat encouraging...never mind that the reality on the ground today is decidedly contradictory. Whereas we westerners see the calendar year as having four seasons, tradition in this part of the world divides the year's seasonal transitions into twenty four headings, which are then further subdivided into three distinct units - or 'microseasons', each one denoting visible natural and meteorological transitions over the course of dates they've traditionally occurred. For instance, between yesterday and Tuesday, an east wind is supposed to melt the ice. The weather forecast for today through Tuesday promises what may well shape up to be the most frigid snap we've had since late December. In all honesty, I can't see any east wind melting any ice before at least next Friday or Saturday, when the Siberian cold front hanging over a good portion of the archipelago is due to recede. For me, watching for these transitions has provided a bit of a welcome distraction from the rampant displays of douchebaggery that the natives routinely subject me to on my regular runs up the canal. The recent global warming phenomena aside, it's remarkable how accurate some of these ancient observations remain. Then it occurred to me that this could be the basis for the new blog format I was looking for. A refresher. A new framework for my bitching and grousing narratives - one that may even shed some light on 'if' and 'how' the yarns woven in these humble dispatches might somehow tie themselves in to the aforementioned seasonal transitions?

We'll be looking at more regular updates, as I attempt to mark each of the twenty four seasonal headings with a new, albeit less lengthly entry. Each will be marked as a distinct chapter (the present entry 'Risshun' being Part One), and detail the three microseasons it comprises. Then there will be a slightly more truncated version of our usual grousing narrative, detailing events or anecdotes from the life of a human service dog in the 'grinding dystopia' of Olde Nagoyaland.

aka Losersville.

aka Deadbeat City, 2022.

Until next time, I'll be watching for that east wind to start melting the ice (of which there is presently none - in these precincts, at least). Oh, and as always, it's worth remembering - "No matter where you go, there you are".

There and nowhere else.